Communicating with Your Quiet Child or Teen
A lot of parents ask us about how to effectively communicate with their quiet child or teen. Kids can sometimes be tricky and complicated with their shifting moods and emotions. Effective communication with your child can help you both feel more connected in your relationship and build confidence when it comes to difficult conversations and resolving conflict. During adolescence, your kids need you just as much as they ever did. The best way to support them is by making sure they know they can come to you with problems or struggles they are having.
Be fully present. When engaging with your child in important conversations, remove distractions and maintain eye contact which will signal that you are present, you want to listen, and you are there for them. Conversation starters could include:
Is there something you'd like help with?
I’m here for you and wanted to check-in and see how you’re doing?
I've noticed you seem a bit stressed, is there something worrying you?
You don’t need to fix it. Listen and validate what your child is struggling with. Nodding and saying things like, ‘OK’, 'Aha', ‘Interesting,’ communicates to them that you are listening. Try not to jump in and fix it once your child stops talking. Instead, just sit quietly for a few seconds and see if they start talking again. Let them know that you are sorry for what they are struggling with. Practice reflective listening where you reiterate and validate what they are telling you by stating, “So what I hear you saying is …”
Help your child come to a solution by themselves. As hard as it may be, resist the urge to suggest a solution, give a lecture or solve their problem. Instead, consider saying something like:
That sounds tough. Do you want me to problem solve with you or do you just need to get it off your chest?
What do you think you could do to make it better?
How did that make you feel?
And then what happened?
Allowing your child to talk through problems gives them an opportunity to use you as a sounding board. Unless they ask for your advice, encourage them to work through the problem asking what they could do to make it better. This will help them develop skills to become more confident in their own problem-solving abilities and show them how to work through their failures.
Talking so your kids listen starts with demonstrating empathy. Putting yourself in your child’s position and trying to understand the situation from their point of view encourages them to come to you and talk about what they are struggling with. You can do this by saying things like:
I can see why you're so (frustrated, sad, annoyed).
How did you feel about that? Yeah, I think I would have felt like that too.
Why do you think (the other person) did/said that?
Take a look at this real-life example from imperfectfamilies.com:
"Out of the blue, my daughter announced: “Ashlyn and Tyler don’t talk to me on the bus.”
Shocked and caught off guard, I accidentally made a great parenting decision: I didn’t say anything.
She continued, “I know I’m quiet. Maybe they don’t hear me talk, but I feel left out.”
I glanced her way to let her know I was listening but stayed quiet.
There was more, “They are best friends and they are in the same class…I get on the bus first…I like to sit by the window…”
My heart was breaking. My thoughts were racing, “how dare they ignore my baby!” I wanted to give her advice. Solve her problem. Make her pain stop.
But this day, I gave her my attention silently. And it paid off greatly. My daughter talked freely and openly. She told me random bits of information that I may never have heard if I had interrupted with my own questions or suggestions.
Her sharing lasted about 5 minutes.
When she seemed to have emptied all of her emotional baggage, I gave her a hug and asked, “That sounds so lonely. Do you want to talk about ways to get them to pay attention to you?”
She answered, “No. I like looking out the window.”
And that was that."
When our kids come to us when they are upset, we have the tendency to think, “They want to talk because they want my advice.” Many times they are not looking for a solution or for you to fix it. They may be venting or just want someone to listen.
Tips to improve everyday communication
Facilitate engagement: Ask open-ended questions, especially questions about how they feel about something or how it has affected them. This is a great way to show your child you care and your willingness to try and understand what they are going through and experiencing.
Engage without interrupting: Build on what your child is telling you and show your interest by saying things like ‘Tell me more about ...’, ‘Really!’ and ‘Go on ...’.
Be observant: Watch your child’s facial expressions and body language. Listening isn’t just about hearing words, but also about trying to understand what’s behind those words and what is going on deep down inside.
Keep your emotions in check: If you hear something you don't like, keep your emotions in check and try not to overreact or take it personally. Let them keep talking and if needed, take a time out to process what you just heard. You can come back later to discuss after you’ve had time to calm down.
Validate their feelings: Feelings are real even if you don’t like what your child has expressed. Validate their feelings as best you can. It will show them you’re in their corner even if you don’t approve of or agree with what they’ve shared.
Enjoy non-agenda time together: Look for opportunities to bond on a level that doesn't require a lot of communication. Activities such as watching TV, cooking/baking, going out for dessert/coffee, taking a walk, or watching them play a video game will make you more relatable and show your child that you want to hang out with them without an agenda. This builds bridges that will open up lines of communication later where you have earned the right to be heard.
Give praise: Parents tend to praise children more when they are younger, but adolescents need the self-esteem boost as well. Teenagers might act like they’re too cool to care about what you think, but the truth is they still care and want your approval, even if their words and body language tell you otherwise. Find ways to communicate that you LOVE them for who they are, identifying their special and unique gifts and talents.
Have family meals: Sitting down for a meal together as a family is a great way to stay connected and give everyone a chance to check in and talk about their day. Kids who feel comfortable talking about everyday things are likely to be more open when harder things come up.
Try to minimize the following, which act as barriers to effective communication
Interruptions and distractions can make it seem like you’re not interested in what your child is saying.
Jumping in with advice, rather than listening to what your child has to say.
Judging what your child has to say and not validating their point of view.
Interrogating your child by firing questions at them.
Negatively reacting to something your child shares.
Having conversations when your child is emotionally charged. Pick a time when everyone is calm.
Punishing your child by responding to their silent treatment with a silent treatment of your own.
